Reqiuem for a Friend

i recall sarah lucia m.

her mother was suffering paranoid schizophrenia and rejected every medical and social treatment

on a family visit she was sexually abused by her grandfather
he was a bishop of some kind of protestantic church somewhere east
so she rejected jesus christ because of the scars in her soul

she was giving hope to all of us, she was a light in the dark
she was giving us the spirit to be alive,
she was the first female person, I met 
who was far more intelligent than me and my friends at university 
in discrete math, logic & analytic thinking

i was one of those coming from the 50km away suburbs to the center core
dived deep into urban life of the megapolis and she was our Guide into this 
we all were broken, burned by the experience of a totally loss and ruined life
those were the hardest years - but also the best somehow
we all were young and hungry for every peace of live we could get

she was the one I called "butterfly" in my poems
published in my first books...

but who guided her? who was giving her hope?
who gave her a fair chance for a minimum of life?

she was forced to move into an Disabled dorm
she was one of two women among 30 men
she was only depressive and had to live among
people suffering paranoid schizophrenia

she received 60,- pocket money each month 
to shape her whole life 
No chance to escape 
no hope this life would change for good

... and then on this very monday September 2nd, 1996
my phone was ringing:

" hi this is Sonja, Listen Thomas - Sit down! and stay calm!

...... sarah .... is ....dead.

she comitted suicide. 
today at 10a.m. they found her dead body in her prison cell"

she was buried alone and anounymous on central churchyard in Altenbochum.

None of us knows where her grave is...
Never had a chance to say goodbye
she hoped for 
"something better on the other side, where the lilac flowers"

In early 1996 Sarah and I joined the famous QNTAL / Deine Lakeien 
Double Concert at Bahnhof Langendreer in Bochum

At that lovely song "Love me to the End" she had a breakdown
The permanent Stress, Fear, beeing hopeless and lonely had weakened her body over time.

i will never forget that Monday, September 2nd, 1996
there was never before and only one time again such an impact loosing one

I stopped writing poems, stopped writing science fiction thriller like those published in "Geburt einer Vision"... 
I leaved everything behind, broke up my job at Ruhrgas HQ 
and started a complete new life somewhere else...